Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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