she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
