I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
