dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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