That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
