I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
