he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
