Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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