he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
