Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
