So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
