Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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