The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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