apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
