Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
