we're chasing vodka with high fives
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
