We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
