Reggie can tackle my bush.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
