some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
