I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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