a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
