I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
