You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
