Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Randomize
