please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
