I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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