Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
