at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
