She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
