Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
