dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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