I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
