And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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