Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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