Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
