I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
