Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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