My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
