Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She's the barista slut.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
