he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
