yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
