the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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