you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
