i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
