You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
