Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
