I hate your face
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm always down for nudity.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize