Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
