We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
