I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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