the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
