I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
