How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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