Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
