I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
