apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize