He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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