i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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