between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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